I will carry your love in my heart.

Early yesterday morning, my Father made his transition from this world. It was a peaceful finish to a long and beautiful life. The past couple of weeks, knowing that he was ready to let go soon, but still hanging on, I sat by his bedside as much as I could. Trying to communicate that we are all accepting of his departure I would sit and focus my thoughts... "I will carry your love in my heart."

Going Home

Spending so much time at my parent's house with all my sisters, mom and brother brings back so many childhood memories... people telling me I was so tall when I was the shortest person around – wondering what it would be like to be grown up – wondering if I would have a family of my own some day – wondering what it meant to be an artist and how I would do that? No one ever imagines caring for their father in a hospital bed in the living room of their childhood home. It sounds strange, but it is a truly beautiful experience for all of us to have this time together with him.

Precious Moments

I took my time getting to the hospital this morning. I was exhausted and wanted to rest a little while the nurses at the hospital were still caring for Dad. Shortly after I got to his room at 11, Hospice called to say they were ready to deliver the bed to my parent's house. By 3:00pm he was all settled in. I sat as long as I could, but I haven't seen my own family in so long. I wanted to get home. Two sisters stayed with my Mom. I came home to my family to see the girls before bedtime. Darrin and Maya ran out shopping. I was left with Ellie. I apologized for not being around much lately. I tried to explain why. We cried and hugged. I let her know that we shouldn't be too sad because Grandpa has had such a long wonderful life. Some people leave this world too soon, before they have lived a full life. But we are blessed. We wiped our tears and went hunting for the first few strawberries in the garden. After that she walked around the whole yard with me to look at how beautifully everything is growing. We both felt a lot better and I think of how my Father has has inspired my love of gardening.

Every thing happens as it should

Yesterday we met with Hospice. Within the next couple of days my Dad will be home with us. His departure will likely be very soon. I feel it would be a blessing to be by his side when he takes his last breath, but I have to say, the thought is also overwhelming. We are all blessed that his recent trip to the hospital has brought him back to a state of awareness that we have not seen in a long time. We feel that we are given a last glimpse of his true self, his smile, his personality. This whole experience seems to have happened with great purpose. He seems aware that this is our chance to say good-bye. My mom, who wanted to have him at home, will now be prepared and surrounded by the support of others. Please pray for our comfort and ease.

Healthcare

After this past week in the hospital I am back to being a little skeptical and angry. We are no longer dealing with people who are attentive, compassionate and helpful. My Mom was very confident in the decision she made regarding my Dad. Doctors are not present for conversation, but made us second guess ourselves and gave us false hope. I have to go back to work today after 11 days of sitting at the hospital day and night so that I could help my 78 year old mother piece together small bits of information. One is lucky to gather information if you happen to be in the room when a doctor or nurse walks in. When making decisions concerning life and death, you would think that a doctor would call you or agree to have a conversation if you request it. My Dad is clearly at the end of his life, I just pray that he doesn't have to suffer for long.

Life Choices

Don't give up.

I cannot begin to describe what my family is going through in regard to my Father's health and well being. It is too personal to share. The advancement of modern Western medicine is quite a blessing, but still at some point one must question how long we should artificially prolong someone's life? This hospital stay has improved his condition so much that he has exhibited his strong heart, strong spirit, sense of humor and a stronger physical body. While we all thought we might lose him a week ago, he is clearly not ready to let go. And so we continue to help him to hang on a little longer, the best we can.

Gratitude and Proximity

It is exactly 2 miles from my house to the hospital and my Mom's house is on the way. It is less than 2 miles from my house to my sister's house. She is recovering well from surgery. My Dad is off the respirator, will be moved from ICU, skip Intermediate Care and will be in a "regular" private hospital room tomorrow with physical and occupational therapy. Everyone I have dealt with at the hospital has been very attentive, compassionate, and helpful. I scheduled paid time off last week and asked for this week off without pay. The office is fine with that. I have had many offers from friends to help out with anything I need (such as babysitting). I am healthy. My daughters are healthy. My husband is healthy AND fabulous (He cleaned the house this weekend and did ALL the laundry). Did I mention he does ALL the grocery shopping?

I am still amazed at how my mind has let go of all I used to think I wanted to do, or had to do, or should do. Tomorrow begins day 7 of visiting the hospital all day and night. The world seems to stop for hospital visits.

Healthcare

Sometimes I am a little skeptical of health care these days, but after another long day at the hospital I am grateful that my family is being cared for. My father was taken to the ER yesterday and is in ICU. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Acceptance

I spent fifteen hours at the hospital with my sister yesterday. I took two books that I have been meaning to read and a sketchbook, but didn't spend one minute on reading or sketching. I spent much of my time working on this tiny little (2") cross-stitch sampler. Counted cross-stitch could not be any more structured, planned and organized and I loved that about it. Here is my first attempt at this craft. As the day grew longer, you would think the process would get easier. The blue section was the last I did, and I could not figure out how to do it correctly. The colors and counting are all wrong. But, it doesn't matter. I was calm, sitting quietly with my hands creating. I will probably not do counted cross-stitch again, as I do not need to be quite that planned and organized. I'd rather be original. Yesterday it was the perfect little distraction to get me through the day. Today I embrace its imperfection as I know there are much more important issues to focus on and that you can't plan everything.

Blue Flower Pattern

Happy Mother's Day

I saw a little pug

We accumulated quite a pile of trash while thinking about the girls' Earth Day projects. When I sat down with them to work on theirs, I thought the bottom of egg carton cup looked like a little pug.

Little bits of happiness

Someday soon I will muster up enough courage to step into the unknown, but for now this [The Place In Between] describes very much how I feel. Some people near me think that I am unhappy. I am not. I am just afraid of briefly having nothing to hold on to. I supposed I could then say that I am afraid of nothing.

For now, here are a few of life's little pleasures that bring me joy.

Flowers can always make me happy. While we were out today doing a little Saturday running around, we picked up a few little flowers to spruce up the fairy garden. The girls each picked out a flower to call their very own - to love and care for. The first of many spring flowers!

Shortly after we arrived back home, Ellie busted 'becca trying to anonymously leave a May Day floral door basket. I think I would have eventually figured it out, as 'becca appreciates design*sponge as much as I do. I remember the DIY tutorial from a few days ago. Isn't it wonderful? Such a lovely gift that I will someday pay forward. Thanks 'becca, it made my day.

I finally bought the brown mary jane crocs that I have beeen deliberating over for a couple of years. (yes, years... that is crazy). I wasn't sure if I would like them. I have not taken them off since the moment I bought them (about 10 hours ago) and don't know if I ever will. I love them!

I think the 100 tulip bulbs produced more than 100 flowers! And, I could call this a before picture for the first of many home improvement projects. In a few short weeks I will have all new windows. When the window guy came for an estimate, Darrin explained that I would like to use the sunroom as an art studio. After measuring and describing the project, half the time the guy said "sunroom" and half the time he looked at me and said "your studio." That sounds really nice. : )

Decompression

Life has its ups and downs and I am rising up from one of its less than pleasant episodes. The past few weeks I have been feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. It happens. I think it happens to all of us. Through all of it I have learned this... I tend to put more pressure on myself than any outside force ever has. It may not be necessary to always see the whole. Maybe parts, bits, pieces are enough. Those who live life with blinders on may not always be myopic, just a little more focused.

Reap what you sow

All good things in all good time.

What you may be creating at the present

moment may not come to fruition for many months.

click to see larger

Do you only see the ordinary?

At school, we launched our Earth Day recycled art project 2 weeks ago. The art teacher has even offered extra credit points for bringing something in. There is still only my owl hanging on the very large bulletin board. And I thought with over 400 students in the school we would run out of room for the art. I can understand with busy schedules and spring weather (finally) that even my own two girls have not made anything yet.

When I emptied the plastic container of Parmesan cheese, I held up the lid at the dinner table.

"What does this look like?"

Ellie replied, "I don't know? A dog?"

I said "It's totally a FROG!"

They still didn't see it. I had to try to describe why I thought it did.

I told this story to 2 moms at school this morning as we looked at the blank Earth Day wall.

They said "See. You are so creative. Nobody thinks that way, but an artist."

Many of my friends are artists. I know lots of designers and lots of painters. If we were all in a room together they would agree with me on the frog or offer up a huge long list of other possibilities for my cheese can lid. Therefore, I think being creative is quite ordinary.

Then I find myself in a room full of people who all proclaim "I am not at all creative. I don't know how to make anything." Sometimes they act like I am a genius or a little bit of a freak for being even the least bit creative. (That's why I find comfort in hanging around artists.) I believe everyone is creative and people who say they are not were educated to NOT be creative. This is why I should be teaching art to children and "non-creative" adults.

I'd like to hear what you have to say. Please leave comments.

Does my cheese can lid look like a frog to you?

Do you have any other ideas about the cheese can lid?

Do you think all people have the potential to be a genius, or creative in some way and are taught that they are not? (intentionally or unintentionally)

Don't you think the word extraordinary is peculiar? It sounds like it is describing something more ordinary than ordinary. Extra-ordinary.

It's like music to your eyes.

This was my mandala that I painted for the IF topic of "focused" (but didn't post). One of Ellie's friends was over when I was painting it.

I saw her recently and she said "Miss Patti, did you ever finish that painting that you were working on while I was at your house?"

I said, "Not really. I didn't like it much and I put it away in a drawer."

She told me she liked it very much and didn't understand why I wouldn't. I told her artists do that often – set paintings aside for a while. Sometimes you take a few steps back, sometimes you walk away completely and the paintings might look a little different after some time has passed.

At the time, I found this piece to be mundane. Not the painting itself so much, but I felt that I had painted so many similar mandalas that I could not do it anymore.

My current situation finds me experiencing much discordance and coming back to this – I don't find it boring, but calm and harmonic.

To add to all this, Maya recently argued with me that she does not like art at all because it is BORING. I held up painting after painting and she told me every one was BORING. She is an adolescent, so it is a healthy transition to express her own individual self, but I still tried to defend myself and my art. After a few minutes of banter I gave up.

Maya loves music and has a gift for it. I tried to explain to her that a painting is like music to your eyes. There's movement, emphasis, harmony, rhythm, all the same elements music has, only it's visual. She did not agree. I'm thinking about taking every piece of art off the walls in our house and see what she says. If I told her to imagine the world without art, I don't think she would try. . . because her mother made the suggestion.

My recent work has been highly influenced by music and playing drums on Beatles Rock Band has added to my appreciation for rhythm - audible and visual. A painting can be like a song. It doesn't have to be deeply profound and encompass everything at once. It could just make you feel good for a few short moments.

Give a Hoot

Three years ago I was nominated to be the chairperson for Earth Day activities at school. Having already been characterized as the granola loving tree hugging nature girl, I'm a little shy about voicing my opinions and I have played it pretty low key so far. This year, Jodi (who was inspired by her son's creativity) suggested that we have the kids make art projects out of recycled trash. Needless to say, I love this idea! So here is my sample project to get the ball rolling.

It started with that little plastic ring seal from the gallon of milk. After grabbing the second plastic ring off the next gallon, I thought of eyes - owl eyes. The idea grew from there. Bottle caps completed the eyes. The nose is a lemon from the 7up box. The head, body and wing are cut out of cereal boxes. Feathers are cardboard tubes and granola bar boxes (yes, granola). The feet are drinking straws and twisty-ties. I enjoyed the paper sculpting so much, I'm thinking of a larger project for this year's Trash to Treasure Show.

More Progress

It was Thursday that I said I had a great week of painting. The week wasn't over yet. I painted lots on Friday, Saturday and today. Both of these pieces far from finished, but I am excited about how much progress I am making.

Earth Hour

I forgot to remind you all about Earth Hour, but I doubt my mentioning it would cause anyone new to participate. It's become a strange and frustrating tradition for us to fumble through a board game by candlelight. Our first game of Monopoly with Ellie was quite a lot of fun. Mostly because she was winning by a landslide when we had to call the game at 10:30 pm. Games are lots of fun when the littlest one wins. No tears or tantrums.

A great week of painting.

36x24 acrylic.

Building a body of work, but also gaining experience. More color, more depth, more relaxed, more confident and the excuses are melting away. I've painted about 12 hours this week and it wasn't a particularly quiet week. Band concert (including shopping for concert attire), staff student basketball game (including pseudo baking for the bake sale) and a very long doctor's appointment (keeping fingers crossed that we won't have to see an ENT specialist).

How did I do it? Last Saturday I vowed that I would not make dinner all week. "What's for dinner, Mom?" – "Nothing." Everyone survived and I don't plan on living this way all the time. It was a much needed break from focusing my attention on everyone else's needs. I honestly felt a little guilty and self-absorbed. Something I'll need to get over, because painting should not make me feel that way at all.

Playing with Pattern

You can click to see this larger.

These shapes look like little roses, but they are sedum

currently sprouting from the ground.

I am loving this little round sprout.

Second Layer

I am experimenting with building up layers of paint. This may add more depth, more body to the finished pieces. Enjoying the chaos stage, but from here I will be adding order, pattern, organization. By the time I finish, there may be no trace of these colors or this chaos left to be seen. Still, it will be a part of the painting. Who knows? My next body of work could be completely comfortable with the chaos and leave it at this stage.

Step One.

Facing a blank canvas is sometimes the most difficult part of painting to overcome. Today, I covered 6 canvases with the first layer of underpainting.