Denying my Spirit

This is not a recent work. It is a little playful watercolor sketch from 5 or 6 years ago when I considered myself to be just a beginner. I had to make a conscious effort to loosen up. It seems here that I successfully did that, but instead of continuing on in the flow, I went right back to my obsession to control and organize.

Lately I have felt that not much has changed since then. I still feel like a beginner and I still feel like I have to begin again, and begin again. Not just with paint, but in life. 

I am described as a spiritual person and I don't want to be. In denying my spirit I have recently (consciously and subconsciously) tried to ignore everything that I know I need to do. For months I have been indulging in caffeine, alcohol, sugar, and meat, watching TV, not exercising, not painting, and allowing myself to become angry and bitter towards others. As you can guess - it's not going well.

Currently I am living in a vicious cycle of feeling stressed out and calming my stress with a glass of wine, a cup of coffee, mindless television. All of these things are adding more stress to my life. All of this has made me conscious that it's time to let go and loosen up. Not with a glass of wine, but by giving up my obsession with trying to control and organize the world around me.